Stumblor

Monday, July 14, 2008

Humping Dog

People are always saying to me, "Davey, What is the perfect gift for someone who has everything, except for a bunch of useless USB gadgets that employ low brow humour for some cheap laughs?"


"That's a tough one." I say thoughtfully, scratching my chin and pondering the question with the level of attention it deserves. "Tell me, have you by any chance heard of Humping Dog?"



"Don't you mean a humping dog?" they inevitably say. The feeble minded often say ridiculous things. Prefixing Humping Dog with a derogatory 'a' would be paramount to suggesting that he is one of many dogs around that are merely attempting to hump. NOT SO. Humping Dog's influence is more ubiquitous than that, his actions far more profound. In his world, Humping Dog is god.

What world is that you ask? Well let me show you.



It is a magical world, where flowers and mushrooms grow side by side and the mountains are gigantic boobs. Where Humping Dog once trained for a whole year just to reach nipple summit. It was a treacherous climb -- his Humping Sherpa was was never found after falling head-first down a partially hidden cleavage crevasse. He was a brave and horny Humping Sherpa, and we honour him.

Even with all of these accolades, people are still resistant to the charms of Humping Dog. They ask me, "Does Humping Dog have any alternate uses besides humping your USB port?" While the stupidity of the question infuriates me, my parole explicitly stipulates that only non-violent responses are acceptable in social situations, so I answer them in measured tones. I say, "Does humping dog NEED to do anything besides that, you cretin?" They point out that he could potentially also be a memory stick that you could store important documents on while he was doing his business. Clearly logic escapes some people.

Humping Dog is not without his faults though. Having no ability to turn off or moderate his hump would be one of them. I don't need to tell you what impact his infinite hump has on the environment, nor what his disregard for it has on me. Humping Dog can be awfully selfish at times.

Another shortcoming would be his instructions, which I find particularly perturbing:




The main problem is that that I don't speak Swahili, so I have no idea what Humping Dog is trying to tell me. Are you in trouble, Humping Dog? I hope not. I like to think that he is informing me of his overall humping compatibility, perhaps sung to the theme of the Black Eyed Peas tune 'My Hump', but realistically he could be saying anything. He could be insulting my lineage for all I know. Humping Dog is impressively multi-lingual like that.

While the world of Humping Dog is indeed a strange one, and that questions regarding his usefulness are a bit worrying, I can't help but feel as though he's got it all stitched up. While the rest of us are running around in circles, having anxiety attacks over which Minogue would win in an egg and spoon race, Humping Dog is just kicking back, observing us all with bemused detachment. The guy's unflappable. He knows that while there's still one unused port out there, somewhere, he'll have a purpose in life. I envy him for that.


But then, how could you ever stay mad at a face like that:



Hump on little buddy, hump on.


--
If you too feel the love for Humping Dog, then please vote for him over at
humor-blogs.com
. Money raised goes toward the Humping Sherpa orhpans, a worthy, and horny, cause. If instead you decide that you cannot be arsed, why not watch Humping Dog in some four way action? I challenge you not to be aroused.

15 comments:

damon said...

What's that Humpy? Timmys fallen in a well?

Funny enough that some company makes this thing, but you buying one cracks me up.

davey said...

Yes, well I got confused. I thought I was buying a hunting bag.

ashleigh said...

Wierd, really wierd.

kiki said...

why is there a need to blur-out the USB key?

kiki said...

i mean, it's just a USB key... everybody can see that. However, blurring it out infers something else

Kath Lockett said...

Mum's birthday is next month, and it'll be easy to post, so.....

Femikneesm said...

Oh, the weirdness.

Bee said...

I have never wanted anything more in my life!

Oh um, besides world peace I mean.

eleanor bloom said...

Fantastic for when one feels the desire (oh, the desire!!!) to tell one's computer to GET F**KED. Now one may put it into action. How rewarding!


And Davey, what type of mushrooms are in that land exactly...?

The Acorn King said...

How do you know when your files have been uploaded to completion? This dog rocks.

EmmaK said...

a very tasteful gift but since you are a man of fine taste, also check out this site for
wacky rubbers
http://wackyrubbers.com/products.html

The site says:
Each condom has been tested twice for leakage.

who tested them, humping dog?

Shaped ends are more sensitive and exciting. You can put these condoms on a vibrator.

why the fuck would you put a condom on a vibrator?

Diesel said...

kiki's not so good with the irony.

Also, it *implies* something else. You are inferring something from it, kiki.

I feel better now.

Kath Lockett said...

where ARE you Davey???? Are you OK???

The Man at the Pub said...

Humping dog is one lucky son of a bitch.

Kath Lockett said...

Davey, get writing again NOW. And that's an order...! Please?