Stumblor

Thursday, December 20, 2007

How to Win at eBay and Influence People


  1. Decide that a beautiful new sunburst lawsuit-era Ibanez guitar with pretty pictures on it will exponentially increase your quality of life and your chances of hooking up with babes.

  2. Studiously scour eBay during office hours until such a guitar appears.

  3. Notice with disdain as two hateful eBay novices start a bidding war for the object of your affection, paying no heed to the eBayers code of last-minute engagement.

  4. Decide to balk convention yourself and immediately contact both members, kindly pointing out that bidding on an item 6 days out is fruitless and serves only to increase the final sale price. Feel confident that you are being helpful and avoiding unnecessary condescension.

  5. Receive no reply from the first member, and the following message from the second:





  6. Wrinkle nose at lack of punctuation and civility. Shake head at overly clich├ęd war-cry. Begin devising cunning retaliation.

  7. Download eBay sniping program Auction Sentry. Marvel at application's ability to automatically place winning bid on item 30 seconds before auction close. Configure winning snipe on lusty guitar and cackle in pre-emptive glee.

  8. Win guitar.

  9. Send following message to Strummer69:





  10. Take receipt of guitar at work from long haired death metal rocker that smells of Vicks Vapour Drops. Impress pink haired ladies at the front desk with less than adequate rendition of Stairway to Heaven. Receive no reply from substandard rival. Live happily, guitar playingly, ever after.





From May 2007, no chance I could afford this now.

11 comments:

eleanor bloom said...

Ah, this made me smile. In fact, the heavenly ax alone did; she's a beauty! Are you saying you don't have her anymore?

Er, and Stairway... David, you (hopefully kidding) cliche you.

Milly Moo said...

Brilliant article Davey. Is the geetarr with you in London?

The Blakkat said...

Love it! The babes will be powerless against you now. Hope you got a good a price for it, too.

Jo said...

God help us. A geek with a guitar.

Wait... I'm mildly aroused...

Pass the Dettol and a wire brush.

davey said...

El:
She's a beaut! To be frank, I'm more of a 'babe I'm gonna leave you' fan, and would have been playing that for them. No fear, in every other respect, cliche all the way.

Mill:
Alas, I had to leave it in Australia before embarking on my spiritual journey (read: drunken ramble). I'm back in Autralia for a wedding end of Feb, so will grab it then.

Blakkat:
If they already weren't already my dear.

Jo:
Babe, I'm only a geek by day. By night, rock god!

Dettol and a wire brush hm? I fear what the tools of the trade are when you are very aroused.

Annie Rhiannon said...

You're funny and cute.

davey said...

And you've just shot up my 'favourite people ever' charts. Congratulations!

Anonymous said...

Man, you are such a DUDE Davey!

davey said...

If by 'dude' you mean 'funny and cute', thanks!

Jo said...

Same as everyone - a Q Magazine and a towel.

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