Monday, July 30, 2007

Cynicism - best ism since Tism


There's only one good thing about getting really, really pissed off - Assuming of course you don't have some weird predilection to masochism or telemarketing. No, to my mind the ONLY thing good about seeing something you despise is being able to add the incident to your personal 'pet hates' list.

I am very proud of my personal pet hates list. I've been compiling it for quite some time, but I guess that comes with the territory of being a connoisseur of the annoying. And being annoying. And generally wanting to pass on negative thoughts to your fellow man. Which brings me to my list.

1. The wearing of sunglasses indoors. As far as I'm concerned, nothing says 'target me for human culling' more than a pair of daintily worn indoor shades.

2. The yelling of 'taxi!' when someone drops a drink in a bar. Yo, funny man, for your next trick you gonna to squirt us with your plastic lapel flower? Newsflash comic genius, everyone in this bar has heard that one before. Like, 20 times. If you want to make us laugh, try head butting that wall. Sure, we've seen that one before too, but it's STILL funny! Take a note.

3. Indecision at the bottom of an escalator. You know how it goes, someone stops dead, puts their finger up to their mouth and goes 'Hmm! Now where did I want to go?', thereby making everyone behind them go into flailing arm type evasive action in a supreme effort not to be involved in a multi-body pile up. The only exception to this rule is old people, who are neither nimble footed enough nor lightning witted enough to not get in people's way.

4. Walking really slowly down a street with your whole extended family in one long line. Impossible to get past. Now, call me a blustery be-there-5-minutes-ago kinda guy, but surely strolling should be reserved for lake-walking lovers and amputees?
Now, I've never ever been accused of exaggeration before (ever), but people who walk slowly in busy thoroughfares are the public relations equivalent of the Ebola virus. The bad one. I think it's Ebola Zaire. Slightly reduced mortality rate I believe, but then you can use statistics to prove anything.

5. The wearing of polo collars in the upright position. DIE. Cheers!

6. [NEW!] Visiting the the Picasso Museum in Paris, looking at My Favourite Picasso Painting for two seconds, trying to take a crap phone picture of it for 15 seconds, then walking off admiring the phone. There's really nothing funny about that at all. It made me angry, then sad, then sleepy.

That's all for now. Hearty apologies for venting my frustrations in this manner - but for some reason I now feel curiously refreshed. There's definitely something to be said for the soapbox styled sharing of one's issues.

Tune in next week when I discuss all of the most disgusting bacterial infections I've had to suffer through. Sure to be something in that for everyone!


Milly Moo said...

Hi there Stumblor
Like your list of hates - my previous ones can be found on:
...but I'll now add 'tradies who say they'll come at 7am, but turn up at 10am, drink three coffees and then stand around their bobcat because it refuses to start."

davey said...

Oh Bam!

How about the builders next door who feel its ncessary to start the day off with a nice bit of jackhammer, and then go back to the QUIET tools once everyone is up?

Pet hate!

The Man at the Pub said...

I'm with you on the slow walkers taking up the whole footpath. And the more of a hurry you are in the more of them there seems to be.

*hate to be annoying but I think it's "cynicism", or are you so cynical you refuse to even spell properbly?

Maxine said...

TO: The Man at the Pub:
If you are you are going to be a cyniCal pedant, don't forget to delete the 'b' out of 'properly' before publishing.

davey said...

MATP: Thanks, I think we both know that I am that pedantic! Aaaand now also horrified that I left a spello in the title that long. Fixed.

Hows the re-adjusting to reality coming along?

Eleanor Bloom said...

Oh, Maxine has helped me to bring up (woah, pass the bucket) today's pet hate! Maxine, that was the Gentleman at the Pub's delightfully dry sense of humour.
So, my pet hate is having to SPELL OUT when one is being humorous or lighthearted. I hate people taking me seriously when I'm not being serious. It makes me feel... all... serious!

I think your list is terribly sensible Davey. Plus ta for the link to the painting - I love it. BTW, how large is the canvas (cause I reckon big would look great)? [Hope you don't mind but I must press upon you to at least share this minimal amount of knowledge whilst you're showing off about visiting art museums in Paris!] *grumble grumble*

davey said...

Yeh, MUM. I mean, I know you're cute and all for getting my back, but I think I'm old enough now to handle the likes of Monsieur Pub.

Eleanor, I hope we can still be friends after you RAGGED OUT MY MUM.

Tee Hee! I love this thread!

davey said...

Oh ps, the canvas was reasonably large, perhaps 2m x 1.5m? Glad you like it, I've been getting some cold receptions as to its 'use of colour' from one of my other friends back home.

There's colour, its used.. stop being so picky!

One of his other friends back home said...

Tism (This Is Serious, Mum) – clearly the most important ism after all.

Even MORE importantly – cold?? COLD? Oh, Davey. Did you really think I wouldn’t check back to see what that eighth comment was? Silly Man.:)

And anyway, not AAALLLL of us like our variations on blue & green mixed with glaring, crashing orange, y’know. I just happen to prefer the more subtle arrangements, like the restful tones of Woman Lying Down (, or even the metallic, mechanised Kitchen ( But if it really is colour you’re after, how bout The Dawn? Bright, purdy colours plus cute serenade-y theme – in a word, dandy:

MRS BLOOM said...

Listen hear young man. My darling Eleanor was not 'ragging out' anyone (as you young whipper snappers like to put it, vile expression if you ask me). My little petal blossom was being polite and surely was genuinely grateful for Maxine's segue. She is a lovely girl and butter wouldn't melt in her mouth.

Plus, I don't think this is a laughing matter young man!

Hope you are having a pleasant day Maxine.

Mrs Bloom

Eleanor Bloom said...


Maxine said...

Is nowhere safe from these mums and old peeps?...first the escalators and now blog sites..

davey said...

Eleanor, you are WAY too cool

davey said...

oohofbh: Ouch! Completely busted AND put in my place. I must concede that your Picasso choices do lend themselves a certain, how you say, chaaarm, however on this occasion I am sticking to my guns. Boy with Truck all the way.

Boy! Truck! Boy! Truck!

claire said...

my list of pet hates:
1. younger brothers who don't reply to emails while they are travelling....
that is all !!!!!

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