There's only one good thing about getting really, really pissed off - Assuming of course you don't have some weird predilection to masochism or telemarketing. No, to my mind the ONLY thing good about seeing something you despise is being able to add the incident to your personal 'pet hates' list.
I am very proud of my personal pet hates list. I've been compiling it for quite some time, but I guess that comes with the territory of being a connoisseur of the annoying. And being annoying. And generally wanting to pass on negative thoughts to your fellow man. Which brings me to my list.
1. The wearing of sunglasses indoors. As far as I'm concerned, nothing says 'target me for human culling' more than a pair of daintily worn indoor shades.
2. The yelling of 'taxi!' when someone drops a drink in a bar. Yo, funny man, for your next trick you gonna to squirt us with your plastic lapel flower? Newsflash comic genius, everyone in this bar has heard that one before. Like, 20 times. If you want to make us laugh, try head butting that wall. Sure, we've seen that one before too, but it's STILL funny! Take a note.
3. Indecision at the bottom of an escalator. You know how it goes, someone stops dead, puts their finger up to their mouth and goes 'Hmm! Now where did I want to go?', thereby making everyone behind them go into flailing arm type evasive action in a supreme effort not to be involved in a multi-body pile up. The only exception to this rule is old people, who are neither nimble footed enough nor lightning witted enough to not get in people's way.
4. Walking really slowly down a street with your whole extended family in one long line. Impossible to get past. Now, call me a blustery be-there-5-minutes-ago kinda guy, but surely strolling should be reserved for lake-walking lovers and amputees?
Now, I've never ever been accused of exaggeration before (ever), but people who walk slowly in busy thoroughfares are the public relations equivalent of the Ebola virus. The bad one. I think it's Ebola Zaire. Slightly reduced mortality rate I believe, but then you can use statistics to prove anything.
5. The wearing of polo collars in the upright position. DIE. Cheers!
6. [NEW!] Visiting the the Picasso Museum in Paris, looking at My Favourite Picasso Painting for two seconds, trying to take a crap phone picture of it for 15 seconds, then walking off admiring the phone. There's really nothing funny about that at all. It made me angry, then sad, then sleepy.
That's all for now. Hearty apologies for venting my frustrations in this manner - but for some reason I now feel curiously refreshed. There's definitely something to be said for the soapbox styled sharing of one's issues.
Tune in next week when I discuss all of the most disgusting bacterial infections I've had to suffer through. Sure to be something in that for everyone!
Monday, July 30, 2007