Thursday, May 31, 2007

Waste not want not?

Check out the latest innovation in cuddly soft toys:

Nope, you're eyes aren't broken. These cute little suckers are in fact plush toy representations of those two unmentionables that come out ya south bits. Being sold to kiddies everywhere. Shit you not.

One thing I can't help but wonder is whether it's actually a good idea to be reinforcing to kids the belief that playing with their waste is cool. Surely that's just asking for all kinds of house related poo haphazardry. SURELY.

I'll stick with teletubbies, cheers. At least then my kids will grow up as well-rounded crackheads and my walls will be spotless.

Wednesday, May 30, 2007

Making predictions out of ordinary household items.

While indulging in a day off work at home really quite sick the other week, a work colleague of mine decided to interrupt my musings with an email, the guts of which was an "i bet you're not actually sick" accusation. She went on to explain her belief that i had taken the day off for a multitude of other reasons, which she decided to list in point form.


She was right on the first 3. Damn her lady-like intuitiveness.

It was true that I..

a) Was entertaining someone *ahem*

b) Had in fact forgotten to do some other work over the weekend that was due first thing Monday morning

c) Needed to lie on the couch and repeatedly send text messages that don't make sense to random numbers (Please return the dice Simon, my affection for your buffet is at an end). I should gloat about this less, it seems

After I let her know that it was particularly uncanny that she dissected my carefully constructed subterfuge, she went on to breezily explain that she was ALWAYS right about such things. Very esoteric i thought, after i had looked up what esoteric meant and went 'Huh? That can't be right'. I wonder if I have a similar super power?

(Incidentally, we had concluded over the weekend that the power of giving someone pash rash does not actually count as a power)

So in no particular order, here are MY predictions for the next 10 years:

1. At a moment of extreme coincidence, pink becomes the new black - at the exact same moment that hell freezes over. Pigs fly shortly thereafter.

2. Arnold Scharznegger realises that it is, in fact, a tumor

3. Putting aside their political differences, the Australian two party system is abolished. In it's place stands a single, all-ruling party: 'Libour'. Although intended to be an amalgamation of the previous two political party names, Libour is soon seen to be a representation of what politicians have always been. Lying swine.

4. High waisted shorts make the obvious fashion jump to high waisted lederhosen. Rotund German men around the world collectively celebrate their good fortunes. Beer prices sky rocket. Being the ever-opportunistic-and-willing-to-cash-in-on-pop-culture icons that they are, Human Nature change their musical style to 'oom-pah'. Still shit.

5. We finally get hover boards. We shouldn't be surprised when they don't end up working on water, yet we still are. Power laces are still curiously absent from our lives.

6. Spats, crevats and leather gloves come back into fashion. Davey can finally wear half his wardrobe without having to wait for a fancy dress party. (The theme's NOT Great Gatsby? But Roger assured me it was! Roger? Friend of yours i assume. Wears a hat.)

7. People finally stop wearing 'vote for Pedro' tee-shirts, realising that there isn't in fact an election for which Pedro was running and even if there was he would surely lack the political experience to pull off an underdog win.

8. Someone ends up reading this blog that isn't my auntie, and who doesn't tell me that it's not going to receive a link from her blog due to the 'potentially offensive material'. (This one came to me in a dreaaaaam.)

** DEAR BOSS : This is all completely made up. As if I would ever chuck a sickie. Way too dedicated. Love. xx **

Tuesday, May 29, 2007

Creepy is relative says the stalker

Inspired by the oh-so-honest and thoroughly believable General Security Officers (GSOs) at the Art Gallery of NSW, my humble workplace over the last 9 months.

Simmy, our lovable front desk receptionist and I were having a loud discussion between cubicles this afternoon about who our favourite GSO was. Obviously the big smiley Islander guy was the hand-down winner, which met to rapturous agreement from the other girls around the office (note: we should really find out what his name is, he's totally in the crew).

Simmy then went on to talk about a run in she'd had with one of the other, not so affectionately thought of guards:

He cornered me in the loading dock for a conversation one day right. For some reason the subject of partners came up and he whips out his wallet to show me his 'new lady friend'. The picture he showed me was of a Japanese girl and it looked like it had been cut out of a magazine. There was some pink taffeta in there I think.

You're kidding.

Nup. It was all misty and stuff, like they'd used Vaseline on the lens or something.

soooo... i'm thinking... a Vogue from the 80s? He was at the doctors, for shizzle.

He looks at me and goes, "Lovely, isn't she?"


I'm serious.

Next time, grab the nearest empty KFC box, point to the colonel and say: "This is MY new boyfriend. Lovely isn't he? I've been trying to get him to lose the beard though. I think it makes him look so 'fictional'."

Friday, May 25, 2007

Capt Buzzkill and the comedowns

You know, lately I've been feeling as though my life has been losing it's meaning. We've been having a tough time a-battlin' the Spanish gallions, the pieces of eight are running low, and lord knows my swashbuckling used to have significantly less buckle.

Another thing I've been getting worried about is my lacklustre appearance. I mean, how terrifying is the name 'black-with-flecks-of-grey beard'? I'm a laughing stock, by thunder.

Sometimes i just get the feeling that my best days of plunder are behind me.


What the hell is that?

Here I am baring my soul to you and you respond with some cryptic sound effect.


Oh go stick it up your arrrrrrrrse.

Thursday, May 24, 2007

The quality of graffiti round here is PLUMMETING

Now call me a stickler for tradition, but surely graffiti had a bit more spunk in the good ol days? Example:

I mean, come ON. What is that? That my friends, is the most uninspired defacing of property since someone drew a penis on my letterbox. Now my letterbox seems like a work of creative genius.

Seriously, if this is the way graffiti is going then count me out sir. It's things like this that give vandalism a bad name.

Tuesday, May 22, 2007

Appropriate Blocking Technique

As demonstrated by Will (weeeeee) and Matt (grooveshoes).

TheReverendDrGrooveshoes says: (11:58:30 AM)
got over 100 blanks for you too

weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee says: (11:58:43 AM)
you know how i love to shoot them

TheReverendDrGrooveshoes says: (11:59:05 AM)
i am blocking you for 5 mins


TheReverendDrGrooveshoes says: (11:59:49 AM)
that was a warning block

TheReverendDrGrooveshoes says: (11:59:54 AM)
dont push it

weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee says: (12:00:04 PM)
like salt n pepa?

weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee says: (12:00:20 PM)
they pushed it real good

TheReverendDrGrooveshoes says: (12:13:20 PM)