Monday, April 28, 2008

Stumblor Guide to: Calling in Sick

The world of falsified sick-leave has been in a bit of a creative slump recently. People just don't seem to care anymore. While I'm sure that a mixed kebab at three in the morning probably didn't help your overall well-being, calling it food poisoning is just lazy. Eight tequila shots and the accidental drinking of an ashtray should prompt you to invent whimsical ailments, such as Mexican Grippe, or tar infused stomach acidity. While I salute your propensity to party, I naysay your ability to coin decent excuses.

But I understand. I appreciate that finding a believable affliction first thing on a Monday can be a bit of a bogus ride for all you 24 hour party people, and that googling in the hopes of finding one is not entirely dissimilar to actually going to work in the first place. I get it. So, I've decided to help. Altruism I think they call it.

Below are a list of underused scourges of the body that are entirely original, believable, but most importantly, temporary. Road test one of these bad boys next time you wake up in a ditch on a school-day, praying like crazy for a head that wasn't the ill-gotten gains of some very questionable robot dancing. I know I will.

Smoke Inhalation. Particularly useful if your voice sounds like you've been at a nail gargling party hosted by Janis Joplin and Eartha Kitt.

Altitude sickness. More effective if you first grow a beard and make sure to magic marker a few digits before going into the work the following day. Remember not to give any credit to your Sherpa, as you will lose all plausibility as a mountaineer.

Love Blindness. Difficult to argue the viability of a day off work using this one, so be careful. On the plus side, it should clear up in a day or two; considering you can hardly even remember what she looks like.

The Sweats. A very real affliction apparently, which can be brought on by plane flights, diet allergies, and the two o'clock Monday morning realisation that you left the office unlocked all weekend.

The Runs. An oldie but a goodie. The greatest thing about runny poo is that no-one wants to talk about it, so make sure you go into excessive detail. Keeping in mind the common knowledge that no-one who wasn't genuinely sick would discuss the frequency and shade of their bowel movements, this technique should see you home and (figuratively) hosed.

Growing Pains. Nothing to do with calling in sick, I was just genuinely interested in what became of Kirk Cameron. I miss him.

Summer Sale Madness.
You may need a bit of panache to pull this one off. My recommendation is to mumble the first bit, place emphasis on 'madness' and giggle uncontrollably during any conversation lapses.

The Bends. Take a snorkel to work the next day, and if anybody gives you lip, just get disproportionally irritated and reply: "Well I WOULD expect that coming from someone whose blood is oxygenated correctly!"

Monday, April 21, 2008

Better Your Metaphor

I'm working on some other projects this week (yes yes, I'm very busy and important), so to keep us occupied and off the streets I decided that we could all participate in the brand new Stumblor Better Your Metaphor activity.

Chosen battlefield: 'Busier than a'. See Jess and my IM correspondence below for an example:

Davey: Are you busier that a unicyclist at a tightrope convention?
Jess: Yes dear, I'm busier than a thumb twiddler at a boredom junket.

(I conceded hers was niftier)

Yours: [Submit yours and you could gain Stumblor-wide notoriety!]

Submissions will be judged on character and originality, meaning that people who submit one-armed miners or one-legged ass-kickers, riverdancers or dance dance revolutionaries will be scorned menacingly. In fact, no amputees at all. They freak me out.

Entries in the comments please. I'm expecting big things from Milly-Vanilly, she's got more metaphors than... most people.

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Energy equals.. umm.. Multiplied..

Soooo excited about Mariah's new album:

Things I would like to ask Mariah Carey
By Davey

  1. Who was the famous physicist responsible for your new album's namesake?
  2. What does the variable c correspond to in that particular equation?
  3. What is that round white thing in the sky when it's not day?

That last one is in there just to throw her. I'm pretty sure her publicist would have prepped her for the other two.

Friday, April 11, 2008

Dear God, why Me-me? Part 1.

Ok, it seems there is no avoiding this meme thing. Eleanor Bloom and the blogger formerly known as Milly Moo are only too delighted to push the format, and although it all feels scarily reminiscent of being passed 'So, who do u like? Pass it on.' notes in Mr Clews' History class, I must be pretty convincing in my assurances of participation because the requests keep rollin' in. Heavens knows why; I'm lying through my teeth.

Lying is a bit strong. It's more like when you have every intention of taking out the garbage right up until the point where your house starts smelling like fish. Which is strange because you can't remember having recently eaten fish. Considering that's about the best simile I have ever come up with, it really is a wonder why people are requesting me to write more. Perhaps they're suckers for punishment, who knows? People's preference for bdsm is none of my hoo-ha.

So anyway. I've got like three memes to do. Don't worry, ye of little attention span; I'll totally fudge it. I've got a plan.

Meme 1 -- Earliest Memory

My sister used to be a massive fan of Barbie; an anomaly among children in a district that was more used to rearing cattle-rustling femme fatales and World War I flying aces (in the case of myself). Many Barbies and their ill-pink accoutrements were purchased for her growing collection. Along with the pink Cadillacs and obscenely long maned ponies of fluttering eyelidded virtue came packaged many Barbie-related information pamphlets coaxing the world's future cheerleaders into joining the latest Shopping Mall Appreciation Society, the Cookie Bakers Council, or some other no doubt worthy NPO.

Attracted to the vibrant pink paper, I seized one of the Barbie fan club applications. I managed to get the gist of it through the patient explanation of Mum, but then promptly forgot about it; probably because it had very little to do with planes, pilots, or things that flew.

A few months later, Mum found me in my bedroom at one o'clock in the morning bawling my eyes out. Apparently I had suddenly realised that we had missed the cut-off date for sending in the application, and although I wasn't sure what prizes I had missed out on, if any, I was pretty certain that they would have been great, and that I would have liked them. A lot.

Before we all get carried away with the implications of my being heartbroken over not getting into a club for girls, let's first examine the alternative explanations. Personally, I think this says more about how much importance I place on the punctual submission of documents. At least it would, had I any semblance of punctuality. Which I don't. Punctuality issues notwithstanding, I still think that this story shows that from an early age I liked to while away the twilight hours conjecturing and pondering. About plastic dolls, sure, but I bet you I was just thought they were GI Joes with 60s haircuts. And frankly, that level of zietgiest understanding shows merit, and not you or my twice a week, 80 pound an hour psychiatrist is going to tell me any different.

That's Eleanor's done. Milly's next, then Eleanor's other one. Will the pain never stop? Yes, indeed the pain will stop; in just two memes time. Quit yer bellyachin.

Monday, April 7, 2008

When Good Books Turn Bad

[two weeks ago, via Stalkbook]:

"Hey David,
Long time no hear lol.
Hope you remember me I have change heaps [sic] ,
I think for the better [sick].
Hope to here [sic] from you."

Thought process: Who the fuck? Ignore.

[one week ago]:

"I really thought you would of least said hello back thanks David"

Ok fine. Doris, take a note:


Dear school chum,

Delighted upon hearing the news that you have improved for the better over the last 15 years. Ignoring the fact that you sound creepy, possibly to the point of boiling bunnies, I am curious as to why you are under the impression I am indebted a hello to you? If memory serves, you were some girl from high school that didn't talk to me, whereas I was the guy whose letterbox was repeatedly incinerated by unknown parties -- two distinctly different roles whose responsibilities did not include the odd amicable greeting or the mutual sippings of fine china'd tea. These days, I fear I would be branded an embellisher for even referring to our dealings as cordial. Non-existent would be more like it, which coincidentally also sums up the level of guilt I have for not replying to you.

Nevertheless, I do so hope that you continue in your quest for self improvement. By my calculations, you are well on your way to being full-blown crackers. Although I cannot support your need to harass people whom you never knew, I will no doubt be rooting for the prosecution upon hearing of your stalking-related arrest. I'm not sure what womens prison is like, bull-queer wise, but heads up on not dropping the proverbial soap.


Doris, did you get all that? Remember, there's two e's in 'queer'.

Sir, and please forgive me for saying so, but are you quite sure you want to send such a.. controversial correspondence?


Supposing you just ridicule her from behind the assumed anonymity of the internets?

Doris, if I was 100 percent that you weren't in cahoots with the bunny boiler, I would totally promote you right now.

Thankyou Sir.

Back to work, turncoat.

Thursday, April 3, 2008

Get Rich.. and Quick.

So, tell me your concept?

Well, we got loads of lead, right? Tons of it. And some pretty good shape making tools. You know, those things that make shapes?

I'm listening.

Well, I'm thinking... we could be counter-fitters!

Hold on mate, I was always pretty terrible at maths.

I've done the sums stupid. You and me right, we'll get minted turning all this lead into coins!

Two pound coins?

Nah, pound coins. Two pound coins are all multi-coloured and that.

Fuck it.

Yeh right, fuck it! We'll make poind coins!

How much lead we need to use per poind coin?

Bout 90 p's worth.


Yeh, but we gotta spray em gold like.


Yeh, bout 5 p's worth of gold paint we need to use, each one.

How much does that leave us then?

Well mate, let's just say this next round's on me!