Monday, April 7, 2008

When Good Books Turn Bad

[two weeks ago, via Stalkbook]:

"Hey David,
Long time no hear lol.
Hope you remember me I have change heaps [sic] ,
I think for the better [sick].
Hope to here [sic] from you."

Thought process: Who the fuck? Ignore.

[one week ago]:

"I really thought you would of least said hello back thanks David"

Ok fine. Doris, take a note:


Dear school chum,

Delighted upon hearing the news that you have improved for the better over the last 15 years. Ignoring the fact that you sound creepy, possibly to the point of boiling bunnies, I am curious as to why you are under the impression I am indebted a hello to you? If memory serves, you were some girl from high school that didn't talk to me, whereas I was the guy whose letterbox was repeatedly incinerated by unknown parties -- two distinctly different roles whose responsibilities did not include the odd amicable greeting or the mutual sippings of fine china'd tea. These days, I fear I would be branded an embellisher for even referring to our dealings as cordial. Non-existent would be more like it, which coincidentally also sums up the level of guilt I have for not replying to you.

Nevertheless, I do so hope that you continue in your quest for self improvement. By my calculations, you are well on your way to being full-blown crackers. Although I cannot support your need to harass people whom you never knew, I will no doubt be rooting for the prosecution upon hearing of your stalking-related arrest. I'm not sure what womens prison is like, bull-queer wise, but heads up on not dropping the proverbial soap.


Doris, did you get all that? Remember, there's two e's in 'queer'.

Sir, and please forgive me for saying so, but are you quite sure you want to send such a.. controversial correspondence?


Supposing you just ridicule her from behind the assumed anonymity of the internets?

Doris, if I was 100 percent that you weren't in cahoots with the bunny boiler, I would totally promote you right now.

Thankyou Sir.

Back to work, turncoat.


Rosie said...

confirms my suspicions that FaceBebo is to be avoided.

i love this post so much i may have to add a new post of the week corner to my blog. it would mean you'd have to post every week though, and you're an awful slacker...

Jo said...

If you ever have cause to tell me to get f*cked, I can only hope you'll be as polite and articulate.

Kath Lockett said...

Ah yes, good old ArseCrackBook. Not unlike 'schoolfriends' where the biggest bully in my year 10 class wrote, "Remember me? I'd love to hear about what you're up to now."

I might borrow your answer and add something like, "I didn't have the wit to answer some of your nasty little remarks back in 1983, but now I'd like to say Go Procreate Elsewhere and no wonder you're now living with the town's biggest bogan 'hydroponic' grower and mother to three satanic sons. Hope you're all well, love kath"

eleanor bloom said...

Hmm, sounds like my ex. (And he did get a bit stalkerish)
And surely they're a bit old to be throwing around lol's unnecessarily like that.

I'm with Rosie, I avoid FaceSmack like the plague. Although, I would hope people from my high school would have enough sense to avoid me - just the thought makes my eyes glow red.

*eyes glow red*


kiki said...

you gonna fuck her or what?

davey said...

Well geez Rosie, if I you'd only desist from demanding that I spend all my time emailing you about Ghostbusters, mayhap I'd have more time, hm?

ps. Venkman is the coolest name ever. I'm calling my kid Venkman.


Jo, get f*cked, indubitably.


Kath, you replied to him, didn't you.


El, now I don't want to alarm you, but the glowing red eyes thing? You're. Zool. Get out of the fridge immediately, and stay away from Rick Moranis.


Fuck her Keeks? Naaah, I'm kinda holding out for your mum.

kiki said...

i just showed her some pictures of us; she is down

Jo said...

That's cold.
And articulate.

jezzism said...

hi david.

i read your doris post with much interest. you see i too have recently been contacted by a ghost from my past who seems to have forgotten the true nature of our ancient relationship.

she seems to have forgotten the frequent and unecessary snipes she'd regularly make at me in public, the vendetta she seemed to have against me. now, 10 years later she wants to "see how i'm going" and "get back in touch".

um, no! is what i say. what i really need though davey is some stumblor wit to ping back into her facebook inbox. otherwise i'm going to have to simply ignore her which, whilst probably the most practical response really isn't very fun.

any advice kind sir?

eleanor bloom said...

Hello dear boy. I tag you for a meme.

I forgot to include my Zool-ness in the weird and random things about me! Darn. Mind you, women are always so envious, you know, that my hair blows in the air all on its own and such... Then of course I remind them of my lusting for Rick... and they get over it...