Overly Censortive

Last week I decided to conduct some research into what was generally regarded as the worst ever Beatles song. A worthless project based on a fundamentally subjective posit some might argue, but I was not discouraged. Like most hypothetical critics the task of ignoring them was simple and besides, I had some actual work that was in dire need of procrastination. To the google-mobile!

It was pleasing to see that most people considered 'Yellow Submarine' pretty dire, but my nostalgia was irreversibly bruised upon discovering the childhood favourite 'Octopus' Garden' being slagged off with alarming frequency. In most cases I noticed that it was Ringo's involvement in the songwriting that usually lead to disaster, but on more than one occasion it was the arrogance of McCartney that resulted in an annoying single simply not having the legs. Oh dear. Nothing changes, huh?

Ob-La-Di Ob-La-Da is a classic example. A disgusted Lennon left the studio halfway through the recording only to arrive back an hour later completely wasted, loudly declaring that he was "more stoned than he had ever been and that they would ever be". (referring to the other members of the band) Given that this assertion was made by the same man who had only recently identified himself as both a walrus and an eggman, this was a weighty claim indeed.

Suddenly I stumbled onto something amazing:

Ob-La-Di Ob-La-Da one of many songs deemed inappropriate after the September 11 attack.

Was this on the level? I read on. Apparently a media conglomerate called Clear Channel Communications (recently suspecting of having been behind The Dixie Chicks ban) released to the media a 'comprehensive' list all those songs they considered contentious and that may cause offense to Americans in wake of the tragedy.

Let me first stress that I do not find the World Trade Center attack amusing in any way, nor do I wish to make any jokes at the expense of the families who have suffered.

What I will do though is publish some of the songs that appeared on the Clear Channel list:

Dave Matthews Band – "Crash into Me"
Jerry Lee Lewis – "Great Balls of Fire"
Animals – "We Gotta Get Out of This Place"
Foo Fighters – "Learn to Fly"

I'm not making this up.

What I find incredible is that in the interests of protecting those who suffered, this organisation publicly released a list of songs that directly references aspects of the tragedy in gory detail. I wonder how protected you'd feel having lost a loved one and then subsequently coming across this list while cruising for porn conducting valid research like I did? To my mind that's the protection equivalent of setting up a safe house for abused children in the Neverland Ranch and then distributing a recommended trouser list that promotes only those that button up at the bum.

(sorry, that one grossed me out too)

Futhermore, at 166 songs total, the list could hardly be called comprehensive. Take for example:

The Bangles – "Walk Like an Egyptian"

[eyes turn kaleidescopic]

I understand completely. We must do everything within our power to stop people walking, riding, and segwaying like Egyptians.

[shakes it off]

Is this a thinly vielded accusation at the assumed perpetrators? Curiously, I couldn't find any reference to The Cure's 'Killing an Arab'; presumably because no negative message could be discerned from that song's lyric.

What finally got me though was the inclusion of this tune:

P.O.D. – "Boom"

Why you ask? Need I remind you of such musical classics that WEREN'T on the list, such as:

Fresh Prince - "Boom, shake shake shake the room."

OR:

Paul Lekakis - "Boom Boom Boom (Let's Go Back To My Room)"


No I need not.

But then I suppose if those songs were ever going to be banned, it would have happened long before now.

Tick, tick, boom.

Can of Worms?

From Facehunter:

Sit on this and Translate

When using Babelfish to translate something extremely important into Portuguese the other day, I was not at all surprised that once I translated the Portuguese message back into English the entirety of the message was a little bit skewed in it's terminological exactitude (thanks Churchy). This phenomenon is nothing new, as many a bored internet veteran could attest. I was however, particularly proud of the transformation that had affronted my usual and none-to-sarcastic sign-off of 'kind regards'.

What Babelfish has chosen to change it to was:

...
Amiable consideration,
Davey.

Which is no doubt a fairly literal interpretation of both 'kind' and 'regards' but is no less fundamentally awesome for being so. I started to wonder if other languages had a harsher interpretation of those two words, depending on their culture and language. Let's have a look at German, shall we?

...
Friendly respect,
Davey.

Gee, that's swell... although it does bode for some rather ominous imaginings of what my unfriendly respect might be. Even still, it's not like you're going to be confused with being sympathetic to the Nazi party any time soon. Let's move on.


French:

...
Sincere Friendships,
Davey

That is of course until everyone else wants to do it too, then we'll simply object for the sake of being argumentative. Oh but you gotta love the French. When my French friend Cedric was staying with me a few years ago, he walks up to me in the morning and says "Oh Davey, I am so angry!"

"Ced! Why are you angry? Is it something I've done?"

"No no.. I am angry! I need to eat something!"

Poor dude was hungry. So I made him eat Vegemite. That's called 'Forging Bilateral Relations'. Take a note.

Italian:

...
Kind Cares,
Davey

.. I'm sure he does. But I don't! Ha ha. Ha. heh. Eye ties. LOVE those guys.


Russian:

...
Heart privity,
Davey

What the HELL? What is privity? You may as well be signing off Heart Cavity for all the good that one is going to do you. (Mental note to sign off Heart Cavity next time I email Will. Mental note reminder about previous mental note.)


Japanese:

...
Kind point,
Davey

Well, yeah, but you're still pointing dude.

After amusing myself for countless hours looking up the various incantations of cultural pleasantries, I noticed an odd translation option at the bottom of the drop down box:






Norseman, eh? What, those sweet and doddering old soothsayers from a bygone era? Weren't they known for constructing lavish wedding gifts and throwing dainty morning teas? Surely they'll have have some heart warming way of bidding their fellow countrymen adieu. Surely.






Pfft. As if any of my friends have crops. What a gyp.