Tuesday, July 10, 2007

Guy, Guy Incognito

A lot of emphasis these days is placed on blending in while travelling; Understanding the language, the people, being culturally sensitive, visiting places of historical significance - it's all a load of shit really. Why fly under the radar when you can make a mockery of your host nation and bring so much reflected discrimination upon other travellers trying to do the right thing? Pussies.

I've managed to devise an ingenious points-based system designed to aid those people wishing to gauge their travelling footprint. I really can't take all the credit for this scaling methodology, and owe a debt of gratitude to the guy who stood in front of at 7-11, Sukumvit district, Bangkok. His faultless 20 point display was nothing short of inspiring; a culmination of everything wise and good in the modern day travelling man.

  • Wear Velcro sandals. Bonus points for teaming them up with thick woolen socks. If sandals prove to be unavailable, points will be allocated for donning those rubber croc shoes that, and lets face it, were only designed so that homeless people's feet could breath. (5 points)
  • Wear backpacks as frontpacks at all times, thereby turning the whole insidious naming convention on it's head. (5 points)
  • Request Dr Pepper from local outlet. After receiving incredulous looks as to the nature of your request, bemoan country's foodstuff stocking policy at length. (5 points)
  • After finally consolidating your order of 5 phone cards and a coke, spend large amounts of time fumbling local currency. After realising that you are bereft the required funds needed to ratify the transaction, offer American dollars instead. Again, loudly grieve any refusal to accept alternative currency. (5 points)

Please keep in mind, this is only a draft proposal. Dealing with restless natives is always an onerous task, as is making appropriate decisions in the structure of ones garb. Revise, devise, but never sympathise my friends.

Unless their currency is stronger of course, which as we all know is the the only fair way of determining superiority.


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