Tuesday, June 3, 2008

Notes to Self

  • When you open an axe store, open it in some backwater hole and call it "Better axe your Mother". Feign surprise when people axe you why they need permission from their mother to buy an axe.

  • When you get a pet pig, call him "Hamlet".

  • When you get a pet polar bear, call him "Penfold", which although traditionally being a name attributed to Danger Mouse sidekicks is still a good name for a Polar Bear I think.

  • When you procure an apple cider company, GM the apples to contain tobacco and then call the result "Tobapple". It will be thoroughly addictive, and you'll make millions but then feel bad about it. Eventually Julia Roberts will sue your fucking ass.

  • When you get around to starting your Skid Row tribute band, call it "Skid Marx". Naturally you should play lead guitar and get all the babes, who'll eventually leave you for someone younger and hipper and whose band doesn't have a name that honours poo residue and glam rock in equal measures.

  • When you get a pet dog, call him "Cucumber", or "Cuke" for short; because then nobody would be as cool as Cucumber. He'd be a border collie or a German Shepherd, because those dogs rule.

Go and tell your wildest dreams. Please? I get a vote if you do, and that will make my dreams come true. You'd be like my dream weaver, you ol dream weaver you.


eleanor bloom said...

Danger Mouse!! I lo-o-o-oved Danger Mouse. *sigh* Penfold was tres awesome.

I think you should make GM polar bears - miniature ones. And, being cloned, you can call them *all* Penfold cause they'll look the same anyway. (and, if you promise to dye them red, perhaps the Penfolds' wine company will sponsor you!)

davey said...

An army of red polar bears, ready to do my nefarious bidding? Well I had my heart set on flying monkeys, but I guess I can be flexible.

Danger mouse did rule. Now, is my memory right in saying he was on just before Gadget, on the afternoon show with James Vallentine? That was always my favourite time of the day.

emordino said...

What if someone middle-class happened across that shop? You'd be directly encouraging them to axe their mother, and who are they to argue with a snappy shop name? Julia Roberts would be all over your ass.

> He'd be a border collie or a German Shepherd, because those dogs rule.

They're all right I suppose, but...

eleanor bloom said...

I think your memory serves well! I recall Danger Mouse being in very close proximity to the annoying and all too catchy Inspector Gadget theme. I was not a fan of the Inspector I have to say. He was a bit like a cross between Mr Bean, Get Smart and a rather large can opener.

Now, Monkey Magic...!

Jo said...

Stop telling me what to do.

Plus: Banana Man. Awesome.

davey said...

Hearty welcomes Emordino. You're quite right, I haven't thought this through properly at all. Imagine the middle class being annihilated due to my stupidity, we'd be surrounded by yokels saying pacifically and supposubly. And the rich, but I doubt whether they'd be in the market for axes. They're more your chainsaw demographic. My. What a conundrum.

PS: That dog is awesome.

Eleanor, would your affection for me decrease if I told you that as a young man I kinda had a bit of a crush on Penny? I know. Complete taste vacuum.

Now that you mention it, I also felt weird that I had a crush on Tripitaca. You can't believe how relieved I felt when I found out that it was actually a girl playing a girl who was playing at being a man. Whew. Sexual ambiguity: missed it by that much.

Jo. Banana man was awesome, and completely so. Not only that but he was also hilarious. Imagine.. a super hero based on a fruit! Classic.

Sully Sullivan said...

On that last note...I've been toying with the idea of going to an animal shelter and finding the fattest laziest cat they have there and naming it "Too Fat For That".

"Hey man, does your cat know any tricks?"

-Sorry, he's too fat for that.

"How come your cat doesn't come you call it?"

-He's too fat for that.

kiki said...

surely Penfold could also be used to name your Pen Holder?

kiki said...

i've always wanted to call a dog "deefa"

naturally, people ask why?

"Deefa Dog"

davey said...

Sully, that's brilliant! I'm going to call my cat "too legit", last name "to quit". You can see where this is going.

Keeks, are you saying I have a pen holder? Many pen holders? In assorted colours and thicknesses depending on pen density? That's offensive.

ps: If you made that dog name up, you're my new hero.

Hey guys, Imagine if we got all these animals together for an amazingly great name biathlon (or something). Oh lordy, the hilarity! We'd be in stitches. Veritably.

May said...

My uncle's family actually had a cat called "Ceefa" when I was growing up, but it died a while ago (sadly, tragically, etc.). However, undeterred, they named the next one Arfur. Their last name is Rowe.

davey said...

I think I remember you telling me that story. Our cat was called wussy, which goes to show how uninspired we were as kids.

may said...

... to which I surely replied, "Well, I christened our black dog 'Blackie', so nyer". Or was that where the conversation started?

I had a dream last night that I was Danger Mouse who was somehow also being played by Tim Curry ca. Rocky Horror. I blame you.

Kath Lockett said...

You're TAGGED for a meme, Davey!