Moshzilla

It was no co-incidence that the day I finally realised the true potential of the internet coincided directly with me stumbling across the moshzilla phenomenon. Although there was a secret shame in finding someone else's complete and utter humiliation funny, it was, never the less, pretty fuckin funny. It transcended funny. It had to power to render adversarial work colleagues temporary allies, with your sworn enemy ambling meekly up to your screen to see what all the fuss was about. I've found that these internet moments are rare, and should be treasured for their puerile purity. After all, life is fleeting; infamy is ageless.

The repercussions on my life after this event were all too predictable. For a while, no-one could get much sense out of me, and any photos that happened to stray into my neck of the woods were immediately seized and then painstakingly grilled for potential photoshopping opportunities.

My boss at the Art Gallery Craig, knowing better, should never have asked me to backup his recent holiday snaps from Thailand. That's like asking a glue sniffing addict to to be captain of the scrapbook team. My eyes saw red. Not being able to stop my primal urges, I grabbed the following image and went to work.



I considered not sending the result in a company wide email for about 5 seconds. Then I got distracted by a butterfly that landed on the mouse, causing the click to engage and in turn sending the email. "Oh well," I thought "At least I can always blame the butterfly."

157 people in four departments received the following email:

To: All Staff
From: David Price (Art Gallery Society of NSW)
Subject: Up, up, and a Craig.

Amazingly, the whole affair was deemed a hilarious caper, and I was crowned First Class Photoshop Artisan for that week. It may have helped that my boss had a bit of a thing for The Man of Steel, but this could only be attributed to blind, dumb luck considering that I found it out after I could have been fired.

I wish I could say that my bosses also had a pet interest in experimental cryogenics. That could have saved me so much explaining two weeks later when I actually did get the boot. Live and learn I guess.

The fate of the cobra handler

Kho Phi Phi, Thailand.



Much to my disappointment, I discovered that the cobra handling facility had been closed until further notice.

I quickly decided against trying to ascertain why.

Guy, Guy Incognito

A lot of emphasis these days is placed on blending in while travelling; Understanding the language, the people, being culturally sensitive, visiting places of historical significance - it's all a load of shit really. Why fly under the radar when you can make a mockery of your host nation and bring so much reflected discrimination upon other travellers trying to do the right thing? Pussies.

I've managed to devise an ingenious points-based system designed to aid those people wishing to gauge their travelling footprint. I really can't take all the credit for this scaling methodology, and owe a debt of gratitude to the guy who stood in front of at 7-11, Sukumvit district, Bangkok. His faultless 20 point display was nothing short of inspiring; a culmination of everything wise and good in the modern day travelling man.

• Wear Velcro sandals. Bonus points for teaming them up with thick woolen socks. If sandals prove to be unavailable, points will be allocated for donning those rubber croc shoes that, and lets face it, were only designed so that homeless people's feet could breath. (5 points)

• Wear backpacks as frontpacks at all times, thereby turning the whole insidious naming convention on it's head. (5 points)

• Request Dr Pepper from local outlet. After receiving incredulous looks as to the nature of your request, bemoan country's foodstuff stocking policy at length. (5 points)

• After finally consolidating your order of 5 phone cards and a coke, spend large amounts of time fumbling local currency. After realising that you are bereft the required funds needed to ratify the transaction, offer American dollars instead. Again, loudly grieve any refusal to accept alternative currency. (5 points)

Please keep in mind, this is only a draft proposal. Dealing with restless natives is always an onerous task, as is making appropriate decisions in the structure of ones garb. Revise, devise, but never sympathise my friends.





Unless their currency is stronger of course, which as we all know is the the only fair way of determining superiority.

Davey's revised theory of relativity

Me:
* Have bad skin which is sometimes prone to allergic rash
* Drink too much
* Have commitment issues

Ben: (Thai guy I met who owns the Millie and Tia Sunflower bar, Koh Phi Phi)
* Lost his two kids in the tsunami
* Lost his wife in the tsunami
* Lost his sister in the tsunami

Millie and Tia were his daughter's names. This is the view from his bar, and my view while writing this:

Anyway, I've forgotten my point. Best get back to it. Lying around to do and all that.

Will leave you with Einstein's revised theory of relativity:

“Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. That’s relativity.”