Monday, December 3, 2007


Amazon announced recently that they have decided to diversify their already extensive product range. Recovered artifacts from the Pacific Rim you think? Pft, old hat. Titillating under garments for the bedroom connoisseur perchance? Ho hum. Depleted isotopic weapons grade uranium?


How much fun could you have with this stuff? I bet it could make all kinds of explosions. And you know, assuming you don't have the necessary brain thinkery to setup another Chernobyl-esk fireworks display, you and your trusty can of u-238 could always provide the local Pets Paradise store with a horde of jive talking ninja types.

This is sounding better by the minute. Just have a listen to all the satisfied customer feedback:
4.0 out of 5 stars An adequate solution...., November 30, 2007
by Chris Gladis "Chris"

I have to admit, I've tried many different power sources for my orbiting satellite death beam, and nothing does it like good old U-238. If you've never held an entire nation hostage for your maniacal whims (I always ask for my ransom in kittens), then you haven't lived yet. And this can make it happen!

Does anyone else suddenly feel unfulfilled due to a distinct lack of orbiting satellite death beams in their lives? Yo mum! Scratch that homemade beanie for Christmas, I'm now in the market for a bitchin' space laser. Yes, yes, I'll be careful.

4.0 out of 5 stars Better than Ovaltine. , November 30, 2007

by J. Stanfield

When mixed with Tuscan whole milk I gained the power to control deceased woodland creatures. I am now in the process of raising an army of undead wombats to overthrow the government from deep within my volcanic lair. Soon you all will bow down before the wombat king!

Ok, I'm now seeing that there could be some drawbacks to this whole 'playing with radiation' thing. Not that I'm saying an army of mutated wombats wouldn't have its charms, just that they would be more disarming when controlled by someone less, well, volcano-like. Like me for instance. I'm very un-volcano-like. People have always said that I'm your more 'meadow' type of guy. Plus, my mutant wombats would be all awesome and friendly and house-trained, like Fatso from A Country Practice.

Anyway, I think I've clearly demonstrated how great this product is. I'm going to order a crate as soon as it comes back into stock. You're all welcome to chuck in, but please be aware that I have a strict security protocol to ensure that it doesn't fall into the wrong hands. Basically you can't be Russian, or the Shredder, or live in a volcano.

For everyone else it's party time.

All customer feedback reproduced from Amazon. Original link. Seriously, I didn't make this up.


Mars said...

how on earth did you come across this? you totally seached for 'uranium ore' didn't you, and were just bitter that so many were onto its powers before you, eh?


eleanor bloom said...

I second the 'eh?!'.

And I wonder if Bush might be a potential purchaser and is planning on sending some of these to Iran so they can be hidden and then found and he can have his way...

Could he be the purchaser who - following the 'Customers Who Bought Items Like This Also Bought' heading - bought the 'Vulcanite Anal Douche Rectal Syringe bulb type'? There are four of those (of varying styles of course) and a couple of Simpsons/Futurama products (what? no South Park?).

Then there's the Customers Also Viewed thing which includes tanks, skinned rabbits and a UFO detector (one used and one new - the used one is going cheap as it's original owner is missing - and again, whoever bought one also bought the rectal douches... and a Male Power Sheer Bong Thong... obviously they are actually hoping a UFO will turn up and are refreshed and dressed ready for the anal probing).

Thanks for directing me to this site Davey! Hours of entertainment!!

eleanor bloom said...

Plus I now know where to do my Christmas shopping!

Milly Moo said...

Well done Davey - as with Mars, I have to ask - how in Oppenheimers' name did you find this stuff?

I'm betting John Howard's ordered himself a tin or two, if only to place at the gates of Kirribilli until he's forcibly evicted...

b said...

so thought you made that shite up! but i too searched amazon for uranium. low and behold...there it was, sadly out of stock.

are you building a space shuttle out of household appliances?

davey said...

What can I say, I'm a resourceful guy who sometimes gets a bit sidetracked. Oh what, you've never searched for globally banned products of destruction before? Please.

Haha, yeah those were the best bits! I would have referenced them, but how can you up-funny funny? Check out the tank one though, it's genius.

Speaking of which, do you think KRudd will be staying at the lodge? Canberra could really do with the social lift.

Not until 5 minutes ago! Thanks.