Stumblor

Thursday, January 10, 2008

Cry Me a River

Blackwater Worldwide, the hapless mercenary outfit responsible for assisting the American war effort in Iraq made headlines again yesterday for, you guessed it, all the wrong reasons. You might remember their number one hit: 'I shot the Sheriff, but I didn't shoot those 17 innocent Iraqi Civilians'? Nah, me neither.

Anyway, this time Blackwater security personnel released a chemical known as CS, a substance similar to tear gas, from a hovering helicopter and nearby armored vehicle directly into a crowded Baghdad intersection because, and get this..

..the road was busy and they wanted to bypass a traffic jam.

Well why not? CS gas has only been banned by the International Convention of Chemical Weapons, who as we all know are just a bunch of pen pushing nerdburgers. I bet they don't even inhale. Pussies.

American army personal at a nearby checkpoint were also heavily affected by the gas. Afterwards the senior officer at the scene was quoted as saying:


"This was decidedly uncool and very, very dangerous."


Hold on. Five-o said freeze. Did I read that right?


"This was decidedly uncool and blah blah.."


Decidedly uncool?


Huh. Let me just run a few idle thoughts by you.

Frangipani bumper stickers
Croc Sandals
Being the only kid who forgot it was muck up day
Bike riding outfits
Farts in elevators
Engelbert Humperdinck

These are all things that strike me as being 'decidedly uncool'.

Now I could be yelling Marco at the wrong end of the pool here, but the use of a banned toxic chemical during a peaceful day in the middle of a civilian area to clear a traffic jam strikes me as.. oh I dunno... like an incredibly fucking reckless act of moronic violence?

Like I said though, I can be pretty clueless when it comes to what the kids find cool. I once wore a hat with a little propeller on the top of it because I was thought that sooner or later, I'd get up enough speed to take off. I didn't of course. Looking back, I'm just pleased that I wasn't relying on it in the event of a tear gas emergency.

I guess the lesson to be learned from all of this is that if you work near the Blackwater offices, make damn sure you car pool with them on the way to work. You certainly don't want to be caught being the red-faced blubbering guy on the street cursing the manufacturers of his propeller hat for carrying misleading advertising.

Trust me.

11 comments:

Milly Moo said...

Hmmm, I disagree with you about Crocs being uncool Davey, but maybe the Blackwater spokes-dude should have been wearing a pair during the press conference to take the heat off their tear-gas or traffic offence.

davey said...

Sorry Milly, but this is for your own good:

here
here
here
here
and HERE

Mars said...

^ he speaks the truth... high heel crocs? i mean, really,

(just to trivialise this whole post and make the commenting all about crocs and not the actual issue)

The Blakkat said...

Well aside from giving me 5 more reasons to shun those awful shoes, do you know if these guys are going to be charged for the gassing incident? I mean apart from being 'decidely uncool' it kind of strikes me as being unlawful & criminal?

davey said...

S'alright Mars, the whole post was just a intricate ploy to introduce my croc insurgency agenda anyway.

Blakkat, I highly doubt it considering that they are still working there after that other 'incident'.

The whole problem is that contracted security forces such as blackwater are not subject to the same convention restrictions as are the armed forces of a country. Having the riot control gas and using it as they did was not illegal as such -- just insanely irresponsible.

While America choose to keep using these kind of resources to fight wars, you can bet your life we'll be seeing more instances such as this one.

eleanor bloom said...

Egad but I hate those bloody shoes! I had a guy eyeing me off at the pub the other day. He looked rather attractive until I saw his footware. Suddenly he looked as though he'd just escaped from a mental institute [not that there's anything wrong with that...].

Wow. How relieved am I to have passed Davey's cool test! *phew* Although the bike-riding attire - when especially fluorescent and spandexed to make one look almost vacuum-packed - can be pretty cool as a joke gift, which someone I know, a woman of mature years, was recently given. This is because she'd acquired a bike - rather late in life. Another friend gave her a baggy pair of black silk bloomers with gold sequins sewn all over and a small bell (like for a cat) attached to the crotch so her husband could hear her coming.

I think I've said enough now...

Milly Moo said...

Believe me Davey, Mars and Eleanor, I too hated the Crocs until I tried them on...

...no not the high-heeled variety and certainly *not* in bright yellow with hairy legs... and they felt GOOOOOD. Too good for shoes really. Soft, light and absolutely NO opportunity to give me blisters. It's either Crocs or Uggs when I'm home at the computer.

Yes, they're butt ugly and I do look as though I belong in a sheltered workshop but hey I hate CARDIGANS so there's got to a smidgen of cool in me hasn't there?

davey said...

I've heard this argument before Milly, and unless you give me the green light to start wearing Moo Moos, fleecy undies and deer hunting caps, I'm afraid it doesn't fly.

But it's okay. We're here to help.

Rosie said...

but cardigans are cool, no?

(worried)

AJ said...

Come on Davey, give the poor BlackWater mentlers a break, if you had free reign to do whatever you want without fear of prosecution wouldn't you kill shit loads of people too ? No ? Oh, just me then ? Ok.... I'll leave now...my psychiatrist told me that I should get a job with Blackwater, to get some unwarranted agression outta my system and take it all out on the the jawas....I'm going to hell for that .. I know

davey said...

(Rosie, ixnay on the ardiganay ebateday.. this is well trodden ground and unwinnable.)

Aj, Jawas?? Is that a Star Wars pop culture reference I'm detecting? Politically incorrect and nerdly. Impressive.