Friday, February 8, 2008

The Stumblor Guide to: Communication (updated)

The Belated Birthday Text

I'm completely hopeless. For 10 years I have followed a rigorous process of carrying a diary with everyone's birthdays neatly highlighted in yellow for visibility, but do you think it helps? Forget everytime. The only thing it really achieves is not leaving enough room in my diary to jot down the days I'm supposed to be doing things, like winning the Nobel Prize, karate fighting the ghost of Bruce Lee or taking my delusion inhibitor medication. It's so annoying it makes me want to eat the Eiffel tower.

Happy belated birthday! This message, contrary to appearance is not in fact late, but is instead from the FUUUTURE (belated due to technology not being 10o% accurate). I am pleased to say that you are happy, healthy, and more radiant than ever. Also, Israel and Palestine have settled their differences, petrol cars have become passé and John Farnham is actually not doing any more shows. Ever.

The 'Missed Connections' Gumtree Message

I love these things. I could read them for hours. Does anyone truly meet people this way? And by 'people' I'm not referring to doll collecting weirdos called Festus Jude Lewdbody, although I would totally meet someone who was called that. I expect we would bond over the middle ground of series one Star Wars figurines and their role in modern day nerd culture. Did I mention we wouldn't have any friends? Totally no friends.

Looking For: Pregnant Lady who Stole My Heart
You were the beautiful pregnant lady who got onto the central line tube at Liverpool street. I was the middle aged gentleman in blue slacks who refused to get up for you; despite the verbal lambasting I received from the other standing passengers. Was it just me, or did we share a moment?

The Party Invite

I'm heading back to Australia in a few weeks and am completely giddy with the excitement of it all. One of the first things I'm going to do is see my toddler nephews and bring them up to speed on London drug culture. Although this is a weighty responsibility in itself, I also intend to get plastered with my mates.


As you may already know, I'll be back in Australia in a few weeks time. Although an empty bait packet to the tides of responsibility, I have been allowed some small windows to do with as I please -- and what I please is to see all you guys in a dingy bar type setting having one too many drinks with the potential for boozed up emotional outbursts. Doesn't that sound ace? I'm veritably psyched!

Gaslight Inn
278 Crown St
, Darlinghurst
xpm xxxx, xxth Feb

The Gassy is like our old hangout. It's a bit like a big kids clubhouse but with less porno. We laughed so hard at a joke once that the owner heard us from two floors down. We've tried to explain the joke a few times since, but it always falls flat; apparently you have to be manically depressed to appreciate the subtle nuances. Sounds unlikely though, as I don't even know what a nuance is.

I would ask you to bring some Dippity Bix, but the Gaslight culinary specialty is Cheezels in Tabasco; as pioneered by Will during his 'cheese snacks from south of the border' phase. Personally, I try to avoid anything that is south of anything; it almost always leads to Tasmania.

Please come.

(I have a bet going that you will so don't let me down)

The Phony Rockstar Reply

Step 1.
Find a kickass Led Zeppelin poster at the Camden markets you just know a certain friend back in Australia will burst over.

Step 2.
Remember that she told you once in drunken confidence that as a kid she sent the band a fan mail letter full of her hopes and dreams, to which she got no reply.

Step 3.
Send the poster to Australia, along with the following letter:

Happy Communicatin'


The bastard post office returned the Led Zeppelin poster! I assume because all the gaffer tape made it look like a large pipe bomb. Pussies. But what am I going to do now? Wait until I get to Australia and then go over to my friends house saying "Oh hi! Hey, look what I found on your front step! Heh Heh." And then I have to be there when they open it and... ahh its ruined.


kiki said...

the burning question is... do you ever do any work?

Jo said...

Beer? In Sydney? There could be a copyright problem.

davey said...

Like what, housework? I'll have you know I'm quite handy at.. that suction cleaner.. and the.. wetting of plates. Indeed I am!

Now if only I knew what the hell Jo was talking about.

Mars said...

wait. i was just gonna do the Led Zeppelin thing you were on about, but i went to the camden markets as per step 1, and it appears they're pretty much all burned down.


Jo said...

Take a number, buddy.
Nobody ever really knows what I'm talking about.

kiki said...

i know you, Jo

Jo said...

You know me, kiki?
What - saw-me-in-the-street know me, or identify-the-body know me?

kiki said...

every single inch and nuance (and i don't even know what a nuance is, that is how well i know you)

Jo said...

Damn, kiki.

That's some creepy shit.


davey said...

You guys should totally hook up.

Mars, I had to cover my tracks somehow shh.

Rosie said...

my birthday's on the 21st, Davey. just saying, like...

i want a mix tape. or at least a belated back-from-the-future text message.

davey said...

Ho boy. Two mentions of your birthday? Damn if if not feeling the pressure now. Let me just find my reading glasses so we can see where we're at.

1. A hovercraft
2. A mixtape, i assume with hovercrafty type music
3. a back-FROM-the-future text message

Can't I just send you one of my Christmas throw backs?

Rosie said...

sure, if you want to be all half-hearted about it.

expect a frosty welcome in dublin, my friend.