Friday, February 1, 2008

Train of Thought

After the copyright for my addictive apple cider (tentatively titled 'Tobbapple' due to its dangerously high tobacco content) was unfairly revoked by the patent office, I've been looking for something new to which I could focus my inventive aspirations. Not that my inventions are regularly anything more than meals utilising a single, questionable ingredient, but even a vegemite curry manages to give you the feeling that you are boldly cooking where very few idiots have dared to cook before, and that for me makes the debilitating diarrheoa almost worthwhile.

Last night though, I had a flash of inspiration that could very well be the best idea in the history of amazingly incredible ideas.

Consider these facts:

a) Germany has just introduced kite power to their sea going transport ships in an effort to offset both rising oil costs and their overall carbon emissions. Wind powered boats -- how progressive!

b) The earth has four steady jet streams located in the northern and southern hemispheres that are caused by the difference in thermal temperatures between adjacent air masses.

My proposal is this: Create two earth spanning tracks that follow the meandering line of these winds, dragging energy generating units along great distances by using the constant thermal power created by these jet streams, thereby creating a completely renewable energy source via the ground friction.

You heard me. Kite trains.

I've done all the complicated mathematics and physical modeling right here on my abacus and it all checks out, so I'm now focused more on the aesthetic possibilities.

I've prepared an artist's interpretation of what my kite trains might look like:

Pretty huh? And you wouldn't have to restrict yourself to those designs. I imagine that when crossing the Caribbean you'd want something more like this:

There are some drawbacks of course. Certain countries would be forced to bear most of the infrastructure due to the rambling path taken by the thermal winds. I suspect there would be some measure of public outcry initially, with people complaining that the kite trains created an unnecessary eyesore across the formally beautiful landscape.

Not to worry -- I'm confident that most people's concerns would disappear once they copped an eyeful of these bad boys sailing past:

Feel free to steal this idea; I recognise that trans-Atlantic, wind-powered Sesame Street characters solving the current energy crisis is an idea that is bigger than just me. It might be bigger than a lot of things. I'd say it was slightly smaller than a drug-era Elvis wandering drunk around the city of Lilliput, but hey, I'm just guessing.

Me, I'm just a small guy with big ideas, who is merely hanging around for the potential notoriety and the promise of hooking up with sweet babes.

"Hey, aren't you the guy who solved the world's energy crisis with those kites?"

"That's me babe." *wink*

"You asshole. One of your giant Kenny Koala's went berserk during a freak gust of wind and gave my dad a corked leg so bad we had to atomic wedgie him for two weeks just to take his mind off it."

"Sounds horrible. Busy Friday?"


Deep Kick Girl said...

I was pretty impressed there for a moment.

And then I realised that it was just another cheap ploy to pick up chicks.

Shame, the world could do with more giant Seaseme Street kite powered transport...

Milly Moo said...

You're a LEGEND Davey, a true LEGEND maaaaate!

Don't give up this dream - let's make it a reality - not only to improve your love life but so that passengers can enjoy seeing Kermit and the Cookie Monster flying above them.

Now if you also have some more free time, can you see what else you can do with Crocs - apart from celebrating them as quality footwear of course.....?

eleanor bloom said...

Love this post Davey. Pure genius. May even put the last creative & colourful pic on my desktop (of course there would be nothing to consider if you'd included the Cookie Monster...).

-Oh, and just seen what books you've been reading lately too and I apologise for a recent comment I made to you about Bryce Courtney, shame on me, tsk tsk, etc.
*slaps self on back of hand*

kiki said...

this is all well and good, but overland transport is nothing compared to overseas transport...

"thereby creating a completely renewable energy source via the ground friction."

so, you know, it doesn't do that much (not like buying a mattress anyway)

i mean, it is good and all, and i am sure that coke would pay billions to advertise... but can you really relate it back to family guy???

Jo said...

My feelings are different to Deep Kick Girl's.

I was intensely worried *until* I realised that this was just another cheap ploy to pick up chicks.

Kite Trains by themselves: Innovative but, quite honestly, a wee bit sad.

Kite Trains as Nookie-Magnets: genius.

davey said...

Let's be honest DKG, is there anything I come up with that isn't motivated by girls or the financial frugality of ploys?

Milly: you come dangerously close to insulting the strict code of footwear ethics to which this blog adheres to. Please refer to rule 4.213 - Stumblor shall only contain derogatory posts on rubber closed toe shoes.

El, doncha worry. Bryce and me go way back. It's one of those 'omg I cant believe i still know him oh christ who is he talking to now' relationships.

Keeks, take your engineerical hoopla and go make out with Newton - that magic witchery has no relevance round 'ere.

Jo.. sad? Cheap ploys? Bucking the rules of science? You guys are all a bunch of negative Nellies. As soon as I get my walking ice tower slash sonic death ray machine up and running... i swear..

Annie Rhiannon said...

Love the artist's impressions, Davey.

And a little bird tells me you're even better looking in the flesh.

davey said...


Anonymous said...

fucking brilliant davy! I don't know why this hasn't been explored before...

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