And the Winner Is..

I managed to catch up with Will briefly over MSN yesterday, which I regretted almost immediately as he begun talking about the 2007 Music Oz Awards show that he had recently been asked to present an award for. In my opinion, a close friend like Will should have been far more sensitive in the way he broached the news, considering that being an awards host is a lifelong dream of mine. In fact, it's Lifelong Dream #208; right behind playing a game of life-sized ten pin bowling using people as pins. Which is of course right behind owning an island shaped like a giant butt, you know, so that anytime a helicopter tried to land you'd be effectively mooning them with the entire island.

Anyway, sulking, as it turns out, is a highly ineffective battle tactic when the only form of emotive communication at your disposal is based around the smiley methodology. Furthermore, *pouts* just wasn't cutting the mustard. I begun trying to point this out to Will, but he obviously had far more pressing issues to talk about. Sure, pressing to HIM.



Will (avenge my life):
So I'm presenting the award for Excellence in Dance Music.


Davey (smells):
Excellence in Dance Music... Isn't that an oxymoron?


Will (avenge my life):
You're an oxymoron. The issue is that I need a gag to say before I present the award. You know. They always do these 'gag' things. I'm fairly sure it has something to do with humour.


Davey (smells):
Surely the award itself is funny enough.


Will (avenge my life):
I was thinking something along the lines of: "You know, it really irritates me that everyone thinks that as a DJ my life revolves around taking drugs and partying all weekend."


Davey (smells):
Good so far.


Will (avenge my life):
"Well it's simply not true. For instance, sometimes my dealer is out."


Davey (smells):
Yeah, and sometimes you're so wasted you have no idea whether today actually falls on a weekend or not.


Will (avenge my life):
Haha, Awesome! I'll say that.


Davey (smells):
Yeah. I mean, standing up in front of a room full of your colleagues and peers -- how could a joke about drug abuse NOT go down well?


Will (avenge my life):
My thoughts exactly. Now.. powder blue rayon suit, or that hot little number I wore briefly at the Bathurst B&S ball?



Obviously the suit, considering that the other outfit had been (thankfully) impounded and (hopefully) incinerated. Clothed in this regal ensemble and armed with the new material, Will took to the stage and gave it his awards-hosting all. I was told later that despite my reservations, the joke went down a treat, with music aficionados and band cool kids hooting in self-depreciating approval. How about that! I suppose you should never underestimate the music industry's capacity to see the funny side of drug induced catatonia.

Easy mistake to make though.


The Oz Music Awards screens Wed Dec 5th on Channel V. See Will make some jokes up about Whopper value meals, and all kinds of other exciting stuff.

Will Styles for Cleo Bachelor of the Year

Will received this email in his inbox the other day:

Hey guys,

See below re: Cleo’s Bachelor of the Year.

It’s always good to have some DJs in this competition, so if you’re interested & single (see requirements below), please get back to me & I’ll be happy to forward your details onto Jo @ Cleo.

It’s a bit of fun also, so don’t be embarrassed :)

Thanks, Angie x

-------

So CLEO Bachelor is about to start up yet again.

We’ll be locking down this year’s crop of 50 bachelors over the next month and shooting around Australia in early December.

I’m sending this to you in the hope that you’ll suggest any suitable talent who you think are CLEO Bachelor material.

Looking for young-ish (no older than 35), unattached* boys who are not only hot, but successful and have a bit of charisma. All we need is a happy snap and a few basic details:

• Name
• Age
• Occupation
• City they reside in
• Contact phone and email or publicist contact
• Plus a few words (100 max) on why they’d make a great CLEO Bachelor.
  

(NB: * by ”unattached” we’d prefer single, but if they’re dating someone and it’s not too serious – i.e. they’re not living together or haven’t been together for a few years – then they will be considered).

Email any suggestions to xxxx@xxxxxx.com.au and please circulate to anyone you think may be interested!

Thanks!

He contacted me pretty soon afterwards, and we began a thorough investigation of the material in earnest. Although we both agreed that morally we could not condone a competition that so ruthlessly grades one man's worth over another, we still could not deny the fact that Will had a fairly solid shot at the title. He had placed very well in Mad Magazine's Alfred E Nueman Lookalike of the Year competition only a few weeks prior, indeed, had almost gone home with the coveted sash. We decided to go for it.

To allay our ethical concerns, we promptly concluded that the amount of good Will could accomplish after being crowned El Macho Bacho would eclipse any harm done in promoting the event. After all, there were still all those starving kids in like, that country with all the dust. It was common knowledge that most of them didn't even have decent iPods!!

Concentrating on this fact, we got down to the persnickety business of constructing Wills application.

To whom it may concern,

Will Styles, Sydney DJ and cafe socialite, is spry, entertainingly dim-witted and turns a distinct shade of mauve when shaken violently. His antics as the last guy to leave every party are only matched by his susceptibility to lose an argument with a chair for 3 days straight.

Although he would love to win the competition, I am sure he fears that all the attention would distract him from his true calling of collecting arm-pit fungi. A keen amateur biologist, Will breeds them into new strains of super-fungi, such as his favourites Parisite Hilton, Sir Scratchalot and Allyourhairis Allfalloffus.

Will would be a great choice for Cleo Bachelor of the Year because there is no doubt in my mind he will be a bachelor for the rest of his life, and when she reads about him, I'm sure your reader will definitely agree. [Singular intentional.]

Warmest personal regards,
David.

We're still waiting for a response. They were probably just so beguiled by Will's 'come hither' look that they're still trying to find the words to express their infatuation. Anyway, I expect that any day now they'll send the limo packed with babes, so I'll keep you posted.

Ladies and Gentlemen..

Introducing, my mate Will:



A face only a mother could love you say. Well I've asked her, and she's on the fence.

The above is his inspired getup for his upcoming gig at Splendor in the Grass in Byron. Will's quite proud really. He was telling me that this is now the second animal suit that he has in his collection.

"Although it is somewhat of a cliché to dress like a chicken," he said "I simply couldn't go past the amazing design of this number."

I suspect that it will have just as fine an impact as last year's Panda suit my friend, and will garner you just as many hugs. Good luck to you sir, and god speed.

It's all in a name

As you well know I am fond of pondering complex issues whenever I have a free moment, which led me to asking Will the following question: If people from Melbourne are called Melbournians, what are people from Wagga Wagga called?

"Either John or Beryl" came his reply.




Preemptive apologies to any Johns or Beryls.

Dream-maker, heart-breaker

I woke up this morning to a heart warming message from Will back in Australia:

Hey dude. Dreamt last night that you recorded a hit song before you left. Woke up this morning singing it. Pretty sure this is the money maker we've been looking for. Send help.

My interest was piqued, and I immediately set about requesting more details. It took very little encouragement to receive a follow up text. After all, he'd already recorded a demonstrative work-in-progress MP3 outlining the finer points of the catchy little ditty.

By 'work in progress' I mean a scratchy recording of Will singing the tune in an sleepy early morning falsetto, and by 'catchy little ditty' i mean Zanadoo on a bad acid bender.

Oh wait up. Zanadoo was a bad acid bender. Having said that, there's no denying that their outfits ruled. *Writes reminder in phone to procure ruling outfit and matching skates*

Anyway, for your enjoyment (but mostly mine), here's the MP3:



I hope Will doesn't mind me posting this. After much deliberation I came to the conclusion that the publishing rights have got to be at least 50% mine anyway, considering that dream-me came up with the concept. I really must remember to investigate the potential copyright infringements regarding the 'yummy yummy yummy I've got love in my tummy' vocal. I mean, something that amazing couldn't possibly be original, and I've been burnt in the past.

Top 10 worst pick up lines

As compiled by Davey Casanovo, Will 'lay me down' Styles, and Matt the Love Rat.


1. "Geez, for a fat girl you don't sweat much." When she cracks the shits say: "Just kidding, you're sweating like a pig"

2. "Care to play a game of genital chicken with me?"

3. "Hey baby... You got a hot daughter?"

4. "Can I borrow some money to buy you a drink?"
We think this one could work based on cute appeal. Feedback k plz.

5. "Ever get the feeling that it's NOT the new underwear that makes you itch?"

6. "You look young and easy, can i buy you a soft drink?"

7. "Out of all the girls in here, you're definitely the one I haven't spoken to yet."

8. "Man, if i didn't have such an overwhelming urge to get into a fistfight, i could sit here and talk to you all night."

9. "I'll add you on myspace if you have me on my space bed." *

10. "Oh you remind me of someone i knew at school.......was your name Keith?"






* This is my space bed:



Space. Bed.

Appropriate Blocking Technique

As demonstrated by Will (weeeeee) and Matt (grooveshoes).


TheReverendDrGrooveshoes says: (11:58:30 AM)
got over 100 blanks for you too

weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee says: (11:58:43 AM)
you know how i love to shoot them

TheReverendDrGrooveshoes says: (11:59:05 AM)
i am blocking you for 5 mins

-----

TheReverendDrGrooveshoes says: (11:59:49 AM)
that was a warning block

TheReverendDrGrooveshoes says: (11:59:54 AM)
dont push it

weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee says: (12:00:04 PM)
like salt n pepa?

weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee says: (12:00:20 PM)
they pushed it real good

TheReverendDrGrooveshoes says: (12:13:20 PM)
blocked