Thursday, November 29, 2007

Hangin' Trough

It's not often that you waltz into the urinal at your local pub and find the resident condom box posing an eternal philosophical question. Now you might say that up until now I've lived a pretty sheltered existence, given that I'm easily impressed by the capacity of the local prophylactic vending machine to prompt introspection. But hey, where I come from, our rubber dispensers are limited to 'do you wanna?' based Q&As. Call us simple. Call us dumb. We can take it.

About five of us crowded around the thing attempting to decipher the cryptic catechism.


..or Security?

By God, if I hadn't been asking myself the exact same question. It's like finding out whether someone supports coal or conservation, war or peace. Heck, I'm even going to stop asking people whether their preference is butts or boobs; THIS is my new social tuning fork.

I can imagine the meeting room at Ansell & Co:

"You know Bob, I'm getting the feeling that our product isn't asking the big questions. I propose that we start appealing to people's base human instincts. Start posing philosophical discussion pieces that prompt self awareness coupled with.. oh I don't know.. maybe an impending sense of annihilation?"

"Dude, we sell frangers. Don't you think we should try to steer people's thought away from potential annihilation?"

"You got no vision Bob. No damn vision."

What really gets my goat is that you are forced to choose between the two. Why can't we have both? It's like those new pain relief tablets that are 'fast acting' but apparently not as potent. You know what happens? You end up taking twice as much. Allegedly.

I'm not saying that this corresponds directly to the condom thing.. you know.. I'm just saying.


Rosie said...

Performance: when you're boxing above your weight and need to really impress her...

Security: when you've taken what's left home from last chance saloon and cannot afford any costly mistakes...

Milly Moo said...

Performance or Security? It's actually their way of making doubly sure that you'll be having safe ending up having NO sex at all...
You'll be paralysed by indecision whilst your potential conquest will be out in the pub getting drunk enough to go home with somebody else....

River said...

Maybe you're meant to buy both and wear them together.
Why did the irishman wear 3 condoms?
To be sure, to be sure, to be sure.

kiki said...

so let me get this straight...

if one box is secure, does that mean the other box isn't?

so are they saying that they sell dodgey condoms???
cause we all know that it's better without them...

davey said...

Ha! Where were you when I needed you? You do my writing from now on. I'm going on holidays.

Exactly what happened to us! I'm pretty sure my future wife was lost to some blah-boy as I stood in front of the machine with my head cocked to one side.

I dunno mate, sounds uncomfortable.

Precisely! I don't think they should be marketing based on either of these ideals. Personally, I'd just go with an alluring picture of Fabio and be done with it.

ashleigh said...

Hmm. Performance or Security.

Well, Howards gone so you dont have to worry about security any more (no more being A Lert or A Larmed).

So perhaps Performance.

Then again, doesn't performance come from the person inside the... er... well, you know?

So perhaps security after all.

Or maybe some help would be good, perhaps performance?


eleanor bloom said...

Ha! We wuz calling a guy Fabio at the pub last night, as you do (nice bloke). That's really put me off though... as would the real Fabio.

Anyway, it's all very simple. A guy who's secure in his performance and the tenacity of his sperm doesn't need the performance one but sure does need the security cd.

Plus, if you turn up (hmmm, ignore that pun) with a Performance model the lass is going to assume you think you need it.

Wow. Another problem solved. Glad to be back in the blogging realm and helping to save the world again. ;)

davey said...

Yew. You said Howard and Performance in the same sentence. Might refrain from ever having sex again ever now.

Look whose back! You are probably right, I would hate to justify the performance purchase to a prospective parlor girl. But you know what, couldn't it be considered EXTRA performance? Like a NOS injection on your Fast & Furious?

Ew. Outpunned myself.