Monday, August 6, 2007

Once this baby hits 88 mph

Marty and the Doc used to get in all sorts of zany hjinx when it came to getting jiggy with that ol' chestnut, the space-time continuum. Steal a Sports Almanac here, criminal infested death town trouble there. If I had a dollar for every time THAT'S happened.

It was during a quiet moment recently reflecting on Back to the Future that I starting to think about what the world would have been like had certain plants never been invented by Issac Newton or by those guys from the curiosity show. Imagine the possibilities!

You know, evolution is a crazy old girl sometimes, and the kaleidoscopic forms that life takes is generally a reflection on the economy of design and the ability survive and reproduce, rather than whether a particular species will tickle the interest of the human race. Or so say the science nerds in those Washington think tanks (perhaps more eloquently however, or even differently, how the hell should I know?).

In any case, I'm calling their bluff. I've managed to invent an amazingly complex time machine out of some old boxes I found in my garage. Cool huh? I'm a fricken genius!! Who knew?? My plan is thus: Go back in time and remove some of the more useful species of plants to gauge the effect it has on the human race, then go forwards in time and pick myself up a dope hoverboard. I'll be back for high fives faster than you can say biscuits.

These are the plants I'm targeting:

Davey's Top 5 Plants - without which the world would be a terribly different place.

Plant 1: The Cotton Plant
Potential Substitutes: Polyester, Spandex, Taffeta
World difference potential: Substantial, particularly in under-garmentry.

Plant 2: Rice Grass
Potential Substitutes: Polenta, Cous Cous, Turnip Mash
World difference potential: Drastic, due to the lukewarm reception of Sweet and Sour Pork on a bed of polenta. Turnip mash crackers not such a big hit. World unrest sure to follow.

Plant 3: The Chilli Plant
Potential Substitutes: Horseradish, Malic Acid, Hot Warheads (myth?)
World difference potential: Hot to very hot. Keep in mind we would also be missing that episode of the Simpsons when Homer goes on an spirit-animal guided acid bender due to eating to world's hottest chilli. The mind boggles!

Plant 4: Cacao Tree / Cocoa Bean
Potential Substitutes: Carob, which is a crap substitute at best. Remember when Mum used to do the ol' switcharoo thing thinking you wouldn't notice? Nice one Mum. How about next time you don't make it taste like shit?
World difference potential: Just imagine. Close your eyes and conjure up all the times over all the years that you've blissed out over chocolate. All the different, varied varieties. Now think about Charlie and the Chocolate factory. SCARY huh? Mind you, when that fat kid fell in the drink it was hilarious. Swim fatty!

Plant 5: Tobacco
Potential Substitutes: Marijuana (obviously), Corn Silk, Banana Skins
World difference potential: Bars become completely unusable due to the now unmasked odors of stale beer and BO.

Plants I'm still considering: Coca, Rubber Tree, Poppy, Chernobyl, Robert.

Wish me luck. Let me know if you want me to bring you back any dinosaurs. x


Eleanor Bloom said...

Well, No.1. could be replaced with silk, so that's not so bad undies- and sheet-wise.

No.3 could do without - although you're right, that was a ripper of a Simpsons' ep (except for the resulting flashbacks... *dude*).

No.5 doesn't phase me whatsoever. But 4? NO CHOCOLATE!!! Just kill me now! (she says after swallowing a chunk of Whittaker's 72% Cocoa Dark Ghana, mmmm...)

Was glad to see you didn't include Willow bark (asprin). And please don't go near the poppy (she says thinking of possibility of potential of future ER/hospital stay).

Plus, you'd darn well better stay away from wheat, rye, grapes, spuds, juniper berries and limes (re Corona necks). Can't lose chocolate AND bevvies!

The Man at the Pub said...

I'll kill you if you so much as touch a chilli.

davey said...

Man! Here I am breaking down all sorts of sciency boundaries and you guys are worried about the heat of your curries and the appeasement of your fixes!

I'll remember this in my memoirs, you see if I don't.