Thursday, August 23, 2007

Cap't Buzzkill and the Breakup

Buzz, honey, I'm sorry to pull you out of your 'Captains with hatpins' meeting like this, it's just that I really needed to talk to you about something.

Oh ferchrist. 'Ere it comes.

I've been offered a position on another ship Buzz, I'm leaving you.

Ack! Bajesus! I be gobsmacked. Of all the scurvy... lowdown... Lily livered..

Why by thunder? Why?

Well, he just offers me such great opportunities Buzz! We'll be involved in all sorts of legitimate trading opportunities in the West Indies, he's been good friends with my family for years, and well, he's just.. so.. educated.. Buzz.

Educated? Blow me down. EDUCATED? I be educated too ya know!

You took night school Buzz.


The board expelled you when they learned you'd been selling bootleg liquor to minors moonshined yourself in the mixed dorm bathtubs Buzz. Three of those kids got acute alcohol poisoning!

I thought they be just POSING as minors. And anyway, those hypocrites on the board would 'av 'ad nay'r a problem if I'd 'av plundered the grog meself! "Pirates don't brew" they told me. Scoundrels!

Really honey, this is all beside the point. I've made up my mind. It's not that I don't love you, it's just that all this nefarious behavior has to end at some point, and I just don't see you wanting the same things as me. Remember last week when I told you I thought our relationship needed more spark? You bought me a new canon. You just never listen Buzz.

That canon cost me 50 doubloons.


I'm sorry Buzz. I'm leaving now. Too many people will be hurt if I stay.

I be understandin' completely. Allow me tha' honour of sayin' just one more thing.

Of course Buzz.

I hope ye taste good. I wouldna' be wantin' to give acute scallywag poisonin' to tha' crocodile.


Aye Aye! *shove*


Eleanor Bloom said...

I quite enjoyed that, although I think I may be missing something significant (pretty brain dead today so nothing would surprise me).
But anything with pirates is usually worthwhile, and esp when one is Elle Driver (good god, that fight scene in kill bill 2 is the best is it not)!!

That eye-patch is quite the sexy. I think I might get one (and practice my whistling).

Poor Buzz. I'd love the gift of a cannon meself (unless that was a mere metaphor... well them ones too, but still, a real cannon, THAT would stop the neighbours shitting me)!

Captains with hatpins. *hee hee*

Maxine said...

That cute girl with the eye-patch would probably rather Cap't Buzzkill knew about your 'bow and leave' technique.
Not as messy as the gangplank and being thrown to the crocodiles.

davey said...

Eleanor Driver: no seedy metaphor with the cannon, promise. Will remember to pick you up one in my travels to dispose of those pesky neighbours though - Colour preferences? That fight scene is great, although my preference has to be the crazy 88 scene.

Max the Axe: Girls like her are always bowing and leaving at inappropriate times. Sometimes an allegorical crocodile or two is deemed necessary when other options run blank.

Maxine said...

Max the Axe....yes I like it. Rather suits me.

Eleanor Bloom said...

I think Kill Bill yellow (ie. Bruce Lee yellow) would be the go. With hot pink cannon balls. I get a few pink golf balls in my yard from the course over the road, I could use the cannon to really confuse them. AND add a few new bunkers.

So you're a man who likes a profusion of spurting blood, en mass amputations and school girls with dem spiky ball thingamees (wtf are they called?).
No surprise there.
The green sneakers give it away.